Quietly I cry
I have always been an emotional person. There are certain things that trigger me. A sad movie, a song, or something that someone says. I feel increasingly its becoming the latter.
There is a man I love. He is married. His wife is on her death bed. We have been having an affair for over 2 years. Pretty much everyone knows of the others existence in our lives. I am close with his 2 small kids. I even know his ailing wife and care about her and try to be there in my own way. I know a lot of people will condemn me for this but this is not what this is about…
I find its so easy for him to hurt me.
I stumbled across a blog he wrote to vent. It spoke of how he felt we are all replacable. My lips purse trying to choke back the tears. To think I am replacable validates everything I deep down believe. Everything I work so hard with my therapists to overcome. To make myself believe that I am unique and special. That everything my adopted father told me was wrong. But the one person I love the most tells me to my face that I could be replaced.
I am replacable. I am worthless. I am nothing. I am not special.
If I am replacable then why should I not kill myself? I mean, you can always get a new girlfriend I guess. Right?
Knowing this depresses me. It makes me want to shut everyone out. It makes me want to down the entire bottle of pills because its not like I’ll be missed.
So quietly and to myself I cry.
That’s terribly sad writing. I really hope things have improved for you. Always, always seek help when thinking thoughts such as this. Most people truely do want to help. TR
Luckily, such feelings are fleeting . For the most part I am doing well. I take my medications, go to my weekly therapy appointments and generally speaking have good self esteem. I apprecaite your concern and would like to say that I am in no danger currently of hurting myself. Rather, this will be one of the mental files that gets pulled when I do have the urge. It’s not right and I will do everything I can to prevent it, but I know me and know its almost inevitable.
Inevitable that you will kill yourself?
To be honest, I’m no Ms Sunshine myself most of the time and therefore my advice is probably not the most reputable – however, I do believe in helping other people as much as is possible. Particularly when they’ve fallen down a hole so deep they’re physically not able to help themselves.
I’m sorry to hear you say you believe you won’t carry on and that the end is inevitable. Truth is – the end is inevitable. So there is no need to hurry towards it by doing the deed yourself! You may as well make use of the time we have here and do whatever makes YOU happy.
Knowing absolutely nothing about your personal situation restricts any real advice from me (not that you asked for it anyway! Whoops!) but, to my mind, other people’s judgement or lack of compassion usually deepens my sadness when I feel down.
So with that in mind – my tidbit would be: Put yourself first. Do what makes you happy and work your way slowly out of your funk, as much as possible. Things will improve for you. Hang in there (cliche, I know!)
Please let me clarify – it is inevitable that I will feel depressed again. NOT inevitable I will commit suicide.
I apologize for any confusion.